From The Pro Shop
By Robert Bicknell
PGA Professional

If there's any club in the bag which consistently has me talking to myself, it's got to be that diabolical instrument of destruction, a metallic social evil — the infernal putter.

I change putters more often than my wife changes her mind. Blade putters, heel putters, perimeter weighted, Texas wedges, Ping's, Zebra's, even one of those gawd-awful broomstick putters. I've tried to putt right-handed, left-handed, cross-handed, even cross-eyed. I've become a basket case.

I'm not alone in this. I have seen players throw disloyal putters into the lake, into trees and one maniac even tied one to the back of his car and drove home with it dragging on the pavement to "teach it a lesson".

To make matters worse, course designers such as Pete Dye, whose nicknames include "Dya-bolical" as well as many unprintables, discovered that the human eye can only detect a certain amount of slope, after that everything looks flat. So naturally, the sadist builds greens at 0.5 degrees less than the eye can detect, but still influences the putt enough to send golfers screaming into the night.

Ben Hogan once said that putting should not be part of golf.

I agree wholeheartedly. Look, golf is played mostly in the air, an exercise in spatial geometry until we get the ball onto the green, then we're forced to shoot billiards on a warped table. It just ain't fair.

Golf is said to be 80 percent mental and 20 percent physical. That's true, but it also means there's an 80 percent chance we'll lose our minds out there.

My problem is not my stroke. I know this because I can make putt after putt from 6 feet on a flat surface with my eyes closed. I can also get the ball close enough for a tap-in from 30 feet or more.

A classic case of the yips is due to focal distonia (your mind refuses to believe what your eyes see causing you to push or pull the club off-line). My problem is that for some strange reason I always line it up to the right and then subconsciously correct it during the stroke... which naturally ends up everywhere but where I want it, like in the hole.

There are different ways to practice putting, unfortunately all of them involve putting a ball, which makes the entire exercise annoying.

But if you have trouble with your putting, you might try these tips:

Find a flat part of the green 3 - 4 feet from the hole. Then put two ball markers down, one three-inches in front of the ball, one three-inches in back of the ball, so everything is in a straight line with the cup. Then during your stroke try to keep the putter square over both markers.

Lay two clubs down in line with the hole, with about one-inch to spare on either side of the putter-head like rails, then try to keep your putterhead between the rails during the stroke.

To practice distance putts, set a tee in the ground about 15 feet away. Try to get the ball right up to the tee without hitting it.

The good thing about the last one is that if you can hit the tee, hitting a hole 108mm in diameter will be a piece of cake.

Yeah, right.

Eli Mariano, also known as "Mr AUGH!", tells me that the local chapter of the Pinoy International Golf Club has grown to over 40 members. During their latest competition on January 16 at Kings Island, Lei Boon Tuck took Low Gross Champion, followed closely by LTC Manny Mariano and Barry Knaggs. However, Lieutenant Colonel Mariano managed to rally his internal force to capture the Low Net Champion title, with Keng Teong Seng and Mr AUGH! hot on his heels. Anyone interested in joining the Pinoy Intl Golf Club should contact Eli Mariano at their official 19^th hole hideaway the Baryo Fiesta and San Miguel Pub, or fax him at (04) 7320919.

By the way, I've heard that "AUGH!" is an ancient Taglog word meaning "aw shit, I'm in the lake again", but I can't prove it.

A 12-man team from the Whispers 19^th Hole Golf Association down in Vung Tau took on a team from the Sai Gon - based Gamma Golf Tour on January 23-24 in a Ryder Cup format. Six four-ball matches, six foursomes and 12 single-matches were played over the much-improved Paradise Resort B and C courses with the Whispers team captained by Arvid Brauti eking out a victory 12.5 points to Gamma's 11.5.

Tournament Director Neil Rigden threw a traditional British Sunday luncheon afterwards at Whispers — Yorkshire pudding, followed by both teams drinking Champagne from the cup.

A weekend (and a hangover) to remember.